DAY FOUR - Have a New Kid By Friday by Kevin Leman

Okay MOMS!  We are on Day 4 (Thursday)!  If you haven't bought the book yet...I highly recommend it!  It is nice to be able to see real life examples in the book when you need support! : )

But What If I Damage Their Psyche?

(Uh...What's a Psyche?)

According to Dr. Leman, these day, parents are overly concerned with a child's self esteem.  "I want Johnny to feel good about himself," a mother says.  So what does that mother do?  She goes out of her way to clear life's roads for her child, to do things for him that he should be doing for himself.  She thinks she's helping him...but what she's really doing is sending a negative message:  "I think you're so stupid that you can't do it yourself, so I'll do it for you."

It's similar to saying things one time only.  If you remind your child more than once, you're saying, "You're so dumb I don't think you're going to get it, so I'll say it again." Say it once and Be consistent. "When rules change with mom's hormones, why should they bother to follow them?

HOW TO RESPECT YOUR CHILDREN

*Never do for them what they can do for themselves
*Don't repeat your instructions
*Expect the BEST of them
*Don't praise them
*Do encourage them

*Every child lives up to the expectation you have for them.  Don't be afraid to set the bar high, but don't expect the world either.
*There's a big difference between children "feeling good" about themselves (self esteem) and true self worth.
*Making a child feel good is easy.  Just give him everything he wants, when he wants it.
*Part of the art of parenting is knowing when to draw the line and when your child needs a push.  "B doesn't happen until A is completed" is a good principle to follow.
*Feeling good is temporary thing.  By providing the types of experiences where children pull their weight and learn responsibility and accountability, you are establishing self-worth.

The Pillars of Self-Worth:  Acceptance Belonging Competence

Acceptance:  Remember children long for your approval. Your unconditional acceptance means everything in their development.  Children fly sky-high for a long time on just one compliment.  But note that the complement has to be true not a made-up one to make the child feel better.
If your children don't find unconditional acceptance in your home, they will talk less (or not at all) to you, listen to CDs nonstop, use their IPods at dinner rather than communicating, and swap stories via IM with their friends about unfair house rules and stinkin' parents.  Kids accept kids for who they are...they don't care about hair color, nose rings, or baggy pants.

Belonging:  Every child needs to belong somewhere.  Will it be in your home or in his peer group?  From the get-go establish your home as a place to belong.  Listen to one another. Support each other.  Instead of piling on a host of after-school activities, choose them wisely so you can set aside family time.  Don't lose your family dinners or family vacations.  Say through your actions, "We're a family.  We belong together."

Competence:  Want to empower your children?  Give them responsibility.  When they the initiative to get a job done (feeding pets, cleaning room)  - say, "Good job.  Bet that made you feel good inside."  (If used properly, you see, the temporary "feel good" can be an inspiration to a child to do something again.)  Your child doesn't flourish when you do everything for him.  He develops true self-worth when he contributes to a project or, even better, does it himself.

Your children are longing for Acceptance from you.  They ache for Belonging in the family.  And they want to have Competence.  Your parenting matters more than you think.

*Encourage your child.  Encouragement emphasizes the act and not the person.  Praise isn't good for kids.  Praise links worth to what you do. Example:  DON'T SAY:  "You're the greatest kid on earth!"  INSTEAD SAY:  "I noticed you helped your little brother yesterday tie his shoes. That was great honey.  I appreciate it.  You have a very kind heart.
Are you preparing for your new kid?  These principles are tried and true.  Please get the book so that you can see how much more Dr. Kevin Leman has to offer parents! : )

Have an incredible day!  You deserve it!  The fact that you're reading this blog tells me you are one hard working mom!